Confessions of a Nursing School Dropout

I have a confession to make...I just dropped out of college.  Not permanently, of course.  I'm too smart (aka proud) for that.  No, I'm taking a semester off to reevaluate my life.  What do I want to do?  If it was truly nursing, I do not think I'd feel this darn miserable.  So, nursing?  I need to figure this out quickly.

Some things you (I) should know about me.

1. I am a planner.  I have had the same plan - become a nurse - since I began college.  That was 6 years ago.  And I have adjusted, rerouted, and turned my life upside down to reach that goal.
2. I am a people pleaser.  I do what I am expected.  My family and friends said "You'd make a great nurse," and I listened.  The truth is, is  that I have questioned whether nursing is for me for some time. Yet I have continued to press forward. Why?
3. I am very unhappy. Perhaps I am caving under the stress of the program.  Even I am not beneath admitting that.  But what I am experiencing is beyond that.  As a planner, I manage stress well...at leeast the stresses of school work, etc.  What I am experiencing is part depression, part high intensity anxiety.  I cry myself to sleep.  Have no passion for what I used to.  My heart beats at 100 bpm.  I have pounding chest pain.  My mind races at a million mph.  This, folks, is what happens when a planner;s plan is derailed.  Natural combustion.  I've burned myself out...finally.
4. I used to be happy.  I loved life.  I was passionate about things outside of my nursing bubble.  Like volunteering.  And crafts. And being with friends.  And reading. And God.  I was positively positive and little could bring me down.
5. I still love caring.  I love my patients and clients.  I love getting down and dirty and performing that basic care some nurses dread.  And especially loved my job this summer (but not my coworkers) as a CNA.
6. I hate the added responsibilities that come with nursing (the profession).  The constant charting.  The politics.  The pressure to perform.  Somewhere hidden under all that, nursing is still about caring; but there is a reason nursing has such a high burnout rate.  And I'm not sure I want to spend the rest of my life...well...constantly burnt out.
7. I feel lost.
8. I want to be found. The girl in #4 was awesome.
9. I am willing to give up almost anything to get her back.  My professors, family, friends...may not get this, but I do.  I am exhausted.  I am tired of doing what I'm expected.  I am ready to live my life.

No one ever puts enough emphasis on mental health, I feel.  If unravels so quickly if you're not paying attention.  Obviously, I was not paying myself attention.  I am now.

In the Rabbit's Hole

I have not felt this low in years.  Although I have suffered from depression for quite some time, I have almost always been able to stay ahead of it.  But after these last few weeks, I have realized that I'm losing my bearings.  I'm losing me...and everything else that goes with it,

More Than Just Enchanted

Hello, folks. How are you? I feel like I haven't written anything in forever. :( Life is really going well for me at the moment...really well. Clinical is still kicking my butt, but I love it so much  more than last semester. Nursing is where I am meant to be.  ...Also, I am getting myself out into the world a bit more (trying not to shy away from social situations) and it is paying off.  I love the people I am meeting and getting to know better. ...Also, I started dating a great guy. He makes me giddy and happy and tingly all over. Plus, he's incredible (kind, compassionate, headstrong, funny - the whole lot).  I feel very blessed as of late.

Recently, Dan (he's the guy) came to pick me up for a date and I forgot to turn my music off. Well, while I was getting my coat he asked me to dance. Cheesy, yes! But of course, I said "ok". This was the song that was playing (even cheesier!). And just to let ya'll know, I am completely enchanted. Never before have I felt this...awesome.

On My Playlist This Month - February

1. Keep Me In Mind - Zac Brown Band

2. I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz

3. A Thousand Years - Christina Perri

4. All Your Life - The Band Perry

5. Young Dumb and In Love - Mat Kearney

On My Playlist This Month - January

1. Change the Sheets - Kathleen Edwards

2. Go - My Favorite Highway

3. Say You Like Me - We the Kings

4. Don't Gotta Work it Out - Fitz and The Tantrums

5. Maybe I'm Amazed - Joyful Noise (Various Artists)

FINALly

So, it's that time of the school year again...finals.  Yeppers. Fellow nursing students (students in general), you feel my pain. The only thing separating us from being one step closer to the hectic craziness of a new semester of nursing school is a week of this.  If you're as stressed as me, follow the directions below.

BTW, I passed clinical. Yay!!

This Isn't Everything You Are

Sometimes we just need to be reminded that we are more than we think we are. We cannot be defined by our circumstances.  There is more...and tomorrow is brighter.